The Frustration of Misunderstanding

I’ve missed my window
The season I need
The moments that help me
The places that help feed the lion in my soul and set it free
Overwhelmed, under stimulated I do the only thing I can and drive
Racing towards the exhilaration of life
137 isn’t enough
Traction lights won’t stop blinking so I turned them off
No point looking in the rearview
My foot is always down ’cause that’s what I need to feel
…and calm the sounds
I will always be a blur to you even when I’m standing still
Why is it so confusing that I need to move faster than your world
 
The emotion drowns out the engine’s strain
The energy of my soul is to much for this machine
It is too much for all of you
Sometimes it is too much for me
 
What I need the vast majority does not understand
I’m not crazy
I’m a different kind of man
“Normal” is destroying what keeps me alive
It’s the fear of being “less than” that makes me strive
To go faster, climb higher, trying to create the space for a thousand million smiles
In order to change the world I need space for my mind
I have so much energy and not enough time
 
3 months disappear
The rest of you can’t comprehend the shortness of my year
It is frustrating having so little time to be me
I keep telling you who I am and what I need
 
I tire of speaking softly
Giving you the golden answer of how to harness the best of me
I tire of deaf ears
I tire of being caged throughout the years
 
I roar and I claw to escape your prison of stunted thought
 
Just do it our way
Just do what we say
Start being like us
Stop being who you are
 
Now it is my turn
My soul burns
With a passion beyond measure and vision that is beyond you
Open your eyes to this truth
You try to control what you do not understand
 
So now I stand…
I stand in defiance of your unquenchable thirst
More money
More possessions
Scrambling blindly to be first in a race you will never win
 
You speed towards your end with fists full of cash
Pushing aside and looking down upon those that would give their lives so others can have a second chance
 
Maybe its because you do not know what lies beyond
You haven’t died yet and experienced what its like when everything is gone
 
Think what you will…He’s unbalanced, unstable
The problem with that is I’ve seen what you have not
I’ve been to a plane where there is only soul and thought
 
I hope someday you will understand the people like me that have traveled beyond this land
I hope someday you will see what you can not touch before your end
As for me on this day of wind and rain
I scream through the turns-yelling, trying to will this machine faster through the straightaways
Pushing its limits until my soul finds peace
Accelerating on this razors edge until my mind is at ease
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Don’t Know Shit

17 July 2017

 

As I sit on the porch of the magic yellow brick house in Lemont, sipping my coffee, this morning is seemingly no different than the countless other mornings of doing the same.  Cars drive by.  Neighbors are jogging, walking their dogs and smiling as they pass.  The sun is peaking through the canopy of the tall Oaks and Pines as the evening mist slowly lifts to reveal the blue sky above.  I Love this place.  I love the quiet of it.  I love that a local band shares this duplex.  They help me crawl out of my shell, even if only to stand by and write while they play.  I love the fly fishing neighbors across the street.  Their passions inspire me to try harder to pursue mine.  I love that there is a café on the corner less than a 2 minute walk away, full of people that are full of ideas.  I love the opportunity that was given to me 8 months ago at my current job, at a time when I am fairly certain many people, including myself had written me off because of my inability to be and succeed in the manner others thought I should.  My business was falling apart and I couldn’t seem to make myself do anything about it.  Losing time with big blank sections of the day that I just could not account for.  I felt confused as the turmoil of guilt from failures compounded.  I thought everything would be better, but it just seemed to be falling apart.  Unknowingly, the same business that was supposed to free me from money troubles and make my life better was amplifying my already fragile mental and emotional health.  It was crushing me and I could no longer tell who or what was real.

Then I received a phone call from one of my accounts.  He called to offer me a position at a time when I needed it most but in a business I wanted no part of.  As is turns out it was a blessing.  At this point I desperately needed a job and was trying to work in the outdoor industry in some capacity.  Applying to several local spots, but for one reason or another nothing seemed to work out.  I took this personally assuming it was because I was crazy.  Truthfully, that is exactly how I felt.  Completely confused as to why nothing I wanted was working, I finally agreed to meet with him several times for multiple interviews.  To this day, I am still confused as to why he hired me.  There is no way he could not have seen the mess I was inside.  How could anyone have given me another chance in this small town where everyone thinks they know everyone else?  On top of all the confusion, desperation, and turmoil, I was now taking what I thought to be a gigantic step away from the path I longed for.  At the same time I made the decision to completely stop repairing wheels.  I often told people it was only for the money and that it killed me emotionally inside doing it, but I had no idea how it was truly affecting me.  I was afraid I was losing my mind and I was insane, not knowing that the chemicals I was using were sending me even further down.

After moving to State College a year prior to expand this old business from another life, I began to meet more and more people within the community, forcing myself to open up, forcing myself to socialize, forcing myself to give everyone a chance.  Trying not to push them away and keep everyone at arms length, so as not to disturb the bull in my china cabinet of a mind that seemed to be getting stronger by the day.  Everything should have been great.  However, what was going on inside my mind was not so great and all I could see was the probability of failure, how I was letting down an old friend, and how I was not good enough instead of the possibilities of me.  The doors that seemed to be ajar for ideas and creativity never swung open and I began to blame others for why I was not able to live my passion.  I felt abandoned by some, pushed away by others, and misunderstood and ostracized by the rest.  I pulled back and introverted almost completely.

It is not safe to be me.  I had relented to believing that my goals were merely dreams, I was unimportant, my ideas were shit, and my passion to help others through climbing was pointless and misguided.  All I wanted was to be seen for who I am, not for what I wasn’t.

 

Around the same time I received the phone call from my current boss, I was also contacted by an entity that has been the bane of my existence for 9 years.  I now had to deal with this thing that scared me to death.  I had never had a positive experience with them.  The only thing that mattered was the money, and right and wrong never once was a part of the equation.  I did not have the money they wanted.  I could not get the money they wanted.  As I sat at my hearing physically shaking from the fear of being in this place, this place that had a huge part in destroying my previous life, something completely unexpected happened.  Everyone there listened.  For the first time in 9 years, the entity that cared only about money was suddenly listening and viewing me as a person.  They began to take into account the changed circumstances and what the affects had been.  They acknowledged for the first time that I truly needed their help and was not just another piece of shit “dad”.  They made the decision to give me some breathing room, which in reality gave me the space to feel like there was a chance…a chance that I might not be crazy, that maybe I can make it through this and live life.

 

I reluctantly went to the VA to talk to yet another therapist.  I was still on the defensive, unoptimistic about having to explain all over again what happened only to be met with wide eyes an agape mouth.  This is what happens every single time I have to share what transpired and what is going on in my head.  They sit in disbelief or completely confused as to how they can help.  Then comes the prescriptions I do not want and do not need.  I just need you to listen.  I just need you to see.  I just need to be better.  As I sat once again, crying as I relayed the memories, frustrated and angry that I was smashing my head against an unchanging brick wall of deaf ears, I looked up through the tears to see a man quietly sitting and intently listening.  What was going on?  He doesn’t look confused.  He isn’t reaching for his prescription pad.  He is listening.  As the months passed and I continued to open up more, he continually listened and never once discounted anything I told him as either untrue, improbable, or unthinkable.  Instead, he helped me confront what would send me reeling.  He helped me to realize that even though I felt like giving up every day that I was still fighting and I was stronger than I realized.  That fact that you are here speaks volumes David.  Hmm.  This is now 3 separate entities that are beginning to see me.  At this point I made the decision that Something or Someone in the cosmos had intervened on my behalf and I wasn’t going to sit idle and watch this chance pass me by.  So I lunged at it and determined that if these opportunities failed it would not be because of the damaged me.

 

As I strived to embrace my job, and the help I was receiving I decided to take a step back from the majority of the people around me.  I stepped back from decisions I made while in the whirlwind of confusion.  I stepped back and took a long look at myself, who I had become, why I cared so much what others thought of me, and most importantly to me-whether or not I had the ability to let someone Love me.  I did not like much of what I saw.  I have allowed guilt and embarrassment to keep me from talking to people of paramount importance in my life.  Ashamed that I could not be what I needed to be, the way they wanted or perhaps the way I thought I should be because of them.  I also came to the conclusion that since I was unable to trust anyone with the Love I had inside I would focus on the only thing that gave me solace, climbing.  I would continue to try and help people to ‘not’ be like me.  I would give the Love I had to a place in hopes of changing someone else’s life, someone else’s path.

 

Then, six months ago I met a really cool person.  Someone inspiring.  Someone full of life.  Someone Amazing.  Someone that I could be friends with and not have to worry about becoming attached.  She was involved in a relationship and I had just decided that I would never be available in that way again.  Our friendship grew.  I could be me around her.  I wasn’t judged.  She considered my feeling and was thoughtful when we spoke.  It was nice to be able to be seen for what was inside.  I started singing in the morning.  I began laughing and smiling nearly all the time.  I danced like an idiot.  As our friendship grew and we shared more and more of our past and stories, she inspired me to be the “Me” I locked up and hid from the world.  This woman that had been through so much was still chasing after her passions, dreams, confronting fears, challenging herself and giving back to those that helped her.  Taking action in confidence even when she was unsure of the outcome.  I was inspired to start drawing again after 20 years.  I was inspired to relinquish my decision that my dreams were just that, merely dreams.  I began to allow my passion and vision of an area to guide my decisions.  I began to be me again.  As time passed so did the relationship she was in.  There never seemed to be enough time in the day for our talks.  We high fived more.  Hello friend hugs lasted longer.  We stopped looking away when our eyes met.  And then one day our hug became an embrace and all of what we thought of each other manifested itself in a kiss.  I sit here shaking my head and tearing up because of the overwhelming Love I have for this woman.  In that moment, every fear I had of dedicating myself to someone, every fear of being left behind, every fear of having another family taken away, every fear of not being good enough disintegrated.  My heart exploded and the Love I had been hiding from the world broke every lock and dismantled every wall I had built to protect it.

 

As I sit on the porch of the magic yellow brick house in Lemont typing this, I can’t help but laugh at everything “I thought I knew”.  I knew the courts wouldn’t listen.  I knew another therapist couldn’t help.  I knew I was destined to be alone.  I knew I could not allow anyone to Love me.  Yet here I sit on the porch, next to a woman I Love with everything I am and she Loves me back.  She Loves me for who I am, not for what I or anyone else sees or thinks of me.  I am dumbfounded by this and humbled that this Amazing person thinks that I am the bees knees.

 

So what is the point of this?  What does one guys struggle mean to some stranger who may end up reading this?  The point is we don’t know shit!  Just when you are absolutely positive you are at your end in one way or another and you just can’t deal with another thing, something amazing is just around the corner.  All you have to do is continue believing that your dreams are visions of reality waiting for you to bring them to fruition.  The people and the part of you that tells you, “You are not good enough.  Your crazy ideas and passions are impossible.  Your life has only one direction”, are all full of shit.  It is all just fear.  Both theirs and yours, holding back the AMAZING thing that you are.  Be the Amazing.  Be you!  Don’t be afraid of your passions being misunderstood as manic actions.  Passion is manic!  When someone says you are crazy, thank them.  Help them find their passion if you can.  Trust me when I tell you that a life lived stifling your dreams, stifling your passions, stifling your true self is the one sure way to end up with a life full of regrets.

Perspective Through Climbing: Ditching The Flip Flops

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Sitting on top of the ridge, in the sun and next to an oak with thick, beautiful green moss at its base.  The moss is flowing into a puddle under my feet and onto the rock I’m leaning against, this grey sandstone wall that is slowly melting down over the hillside… and rays of sunshine are streaming toward the yellow and brown leaf carpeted forest floor.  It’s beautiful.  I love to stand on moss barefoot, especially when my feet hurt.  Right now my feet hurt.  I just finished hiking up barefoot in a last-minute decision to ditch the flips flops on the roof of my car.  Conflicted about something else entirely I’m standing there, mid-step trying to decide if I should walk up barefoot.  I’m here to figure stuff out so, start by being grounded.  Awareness.  There aren’t too many things that bring awareness of surroundings and self to the forefront like walking through the woods barefoot.  Everything is slower…quieter…smoother.  The wet leaves and roots are now my friends, while the jagged bits of rock on the trail that used to provide traction are now just like that acorn you can’t see under that pretty red leaf, painful.  I had a bit of tunnel vision on the trail until now.  Focusing only on each step and not really paying attention to my surroundings.  Each placement is specific trying not to step on the things that hurt and still stumbling at times on seemingly small stones.  Then I hear loud crashing through the canopy.  The Wind rushes above in a torrent of white noise thinning the trees of dead limbs and showering acorns all around.  As I am stepping over a large downed tree, a limb falls just on the other side.  Interesting how Nature can reveal a lesson if you are open to it.  Don’t focus so much on the little things.  There is a lot more going on around you to experience.  Kicking it out of the way and letting out a quick, “Whooop!”, I start having fun trying to speed up.  Getting into a rhythm dogging limbs and stones on the path.  Walking weird.  Like an orangutan with its arms in the air, constantly shifting weight and trying to keep balance on the sharp parts.  Awkward and probably hilarious looking, at least that’s how it felt, and it felt pretty great.  The trail is changing and the sharp little stones have been replaced by sand.  I am getting close to the rocks now as my pace slows.  They welcome me as my feet are soothed by the trail.  The sand is a little wet, soft, and cool.  Now I am stopped at a “Y” in the trail, digging my toes into the sand and trying to decide which way to go.  I am here to find the “how” in something and here is, what I should have been thinking about facing me on a trail.  The “why?”  I immediately turn right and head up hill for the top, for the sun.   I am in the breeze now at the top of the ridge and standing on a warm rock in the sun.  This place affects me so,… “I’m glad my flip flops are on top of the car…I might make this a habit.”…   Which brings me back to why I’m standing on moss with tender feet.

Here I am, about to instruct a climbing class in which I want to start off talking about the mind and focus on intent…, and I am a little upside down and sideways lately.  Not focused.  Not centered.  Only aware enough to know I’m not aware.  Here I am.  Here I am…this place where I find quiet on the rock.  How do I teach with the passion necessary to convey the importance of Mind, Body, Soul to others when inside I am not feeling aware or centered?  If I am neither of these, how can I share that space with others?  How do I teach a centered soul is the focus when I struggle so very much at times?  Time to climb and see what I can see.
Time to circuit.  Time to climb.  We’ll pick up here in a bit…

…A bit time later…

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Picking up where I left off on paper in a new space.  Here I find myself atop an unfamiliar wall, in a somewhat unfamiliar place, having been lost at times and then finding my way.  I’m traversing the Horse Pens Boulder now and working through a low offwidth crack.  Something I couldn’t do last time out.  I want to share that with somebody.  But not today.   Not this day of sitting and climbing and writing.  In contact with the rock the entire time.  Contact.  Touch.  Being in this moment.  Hmmm…Aware.  Rest in the moment.  Body position.  Breathing.  Oh man.  “Where is my mind?”  No where.  “Where am I now?”  I’m just on this rock down around the corner now.  Toes on bits.  Fingers on bits.  Just trying to hang on and live with intent.  I get it now.  The last one hundred feet simply happened.  I don’t remember the moves.  They just happened.  I was in the place doing what I Love and everything fell into place.  Time to write.  This is as good a place as any, so I start moving to the top and take my pack off.  Sitting on the edge with my leg over the side and leaning against the perfect rock, I’m pulling out my notebook and laughing at myself…

So here I am once more, in the place I have been finding so many answers.  How do I teach and convey with passion when I don’t feel centered and aware?  Sometimes my ability to overcomplicate astounds me.  It’s always so simple and that’s why I’m laughing.  The very first thing I want to discuss in class is Mind and intent.  Why do you want to climb?  Why are you here right now?  What is your intent?  Whatever that is, be in that place.  Pretty freaking simple, I know.  Why do I want to climb?  Why am I here right now?  What is my intent?  The last two questions rang in my head as I stopped mid-step trying to decide about wearing flip flops.  Why am I here right now?  Trying to be grounded, to learn.  What is my intent?  Learn by paying attention, being aware.    As I stopped and smiled, walking back to the car with flip flops in hand to put them on the roof, I tucked those three questions in the back of my mind regarding climbing and this class I am teaching.  At the end of the day, after letting the questions gestate and trying to whittle my reasons down to the simplest truth of each, I feel better having understanding but embarrassed having lost sight in the first place.  Love, Love, Love.  Why do I want to climb?  Because it is my my Passion and I Love it.  Why am I here right now?  Because Love made it possible.  What is my intent?  To Love.  Hmmm…Interesting answers.  ‘Cause I’m not feeling it right now.  There are still parts of me that are not feeling that Agape, that Peace.  I am still a little tumultuous.  But then…I guess, when would be a better time?  I know exactly how it feels right now to practice awareness and focus on intent in a state of confusion.

So what have I learned?  Most importantly the reminder of Love.  Love is selfless and I have been given the opportunity to share it, and that’s where the excitement comes in.  It’s the excitement that spreads like wild fire when you just shake your head, laugh, and share it.  Simply doing the thing you are Passionate about and Love to do and sharing it with others.

I’d really like to make this all about climbing but today as it turns out it was about ditching my flip flops on the roof of the car, and going for a nice barefoot stroll up the hill.

Perspective Through Climbing: Truth

In life we talk of many truths.  The truth of the situation.  The truth of the business world.  The truth of the way society operates.  The truth of politics.  The partial truths we all tell ourselves to deflect the authenticity of our actions.  In this age of consideration of feelings and political correctness, I’ve noticed a change in the use of the word truth.  The preface, “The truth is…”, has become common place in avoiding just that.

I recently had to take a step back from my normal day to day life and interactions to search for the truth in a situation.  Confused by vagueness and contradictions I struggled to probe into the truth of it all and spent a lot of time alone climbing at a local bouldering area.  Hunter’s Rocks is far enough away and expansive enough that it is possible to spend an entire day there and not run into another person.  And the climbing.  The climbing is wonderfully varied and challenging.  Ranging from both easy and powerful problems with only a few moves and long seemingly endless circuits, to 40′-50′ highballs at their tallest.  Two days ago I found myself wandering through the boulders searching for that wall of rock that would help me gain insight.  I eventually found myself  in front of my favorite short slab.  As I stood in front of it staring blankly, I was thinking more of the wall in the corner of my eye, at the end of the corridor instead of this place I wanted to be.  This comfortable zone of existence.  I’ve looked at this wall a lot.  I’ve walked up to it and even played around with the holds at the bottom on occasion but I eventually walk away every time, telling myself one or more of a myriad of reasons for not climbing it.  “It is too damp right now.  My feet will slip and I will fall.  It is too hot right now.  My hands are sweaty and I will slip and fall.  I’m not strong enough to make those moves and I will fall”.  It is not a tall rock, topping out around 15′-20′, but it is ominous to me.  The foot placements thin out.  The wall starts to pitch and looms over me instilling doubt.
But as I stood there, my mind preoccupied with trying to answer questions that are not mine to answer, I found myself in a familiar state.  It was too hot and I was sweating.  It had recently rained and the rock was damp.  I was tired.  “The truth is…”.  Ha.  The truth.  The truth of it at this time was as it had been every other instance I looked at this climb.  I was simply afraid.  It was easier to look at the conditions and use them to make myself feel better about walking away instead of facing the truth.  So here I stand.  Alone.  Facing this inauspicious problem.

I touch the rock and it is cold and damp.  I breathe with purpose.  Inhaling the honesty of where I am and how I feel, while trying to exhale the fear and inhibitions that glazed over the truth of it so many times before.  My first foot placement slips.  “It is damp.  You are going to fall.”  I re-position my foot on the rock and step up leaving the safety and comfort of the ground.  As I move higher the holds are not what I want them to be.  They are not ideal.  A little slick.  Too small.  The wrong angle.  All partial truths.  My body is tense and I become aware of my mind concentrating more on what has happened in the past and a manufactured future than where I am in this moment.  “That was a different time and place.  This rock is different.  I am different.”  I do not want to face this thing I am afraid of but I can not live a lie hiding behind the half truths of my discomfort.  This is where I am.  This is what is in front of me.  I close my eyes trying to concentrate on breathing and emptying my mind.  Trying to accept this place I am in.  I am still afraid but a very simple choice has to be made.  Do I allow this fear to take hold and cause me to fall or not?  No longer trembling, the irrevocable decision to climb this rock, face this truth, steadied my shaking spirit.  Every hand and foot placement from then on is precise.  Every movement fluid.  It is not because I am no longer afraid.  I am so very afraid.  It is instead because I am resolute in facing that truth of fear.  As I climb over the lip of the wall the anxiety and tension inside escapes in a bellowing echo along the corridors of rock, spilling over the hillside and dissipating into the expanse of the forest.  Standing atop a pinnacle above the canopy I can see all that surrounds me.  There is nothing to my left and nothing to my right.  Nothing to lean on.  Nothing to hold. I spread my arms wide and welcome everything that is in front of me while leaving behind the charade of circumstantial truth.

It is easy to live in comfort.  That is why we all lie in some way, either to others or ourselves.  Running away from the truth because it is hard.  Avoiding the thing in the corner our eye, our minds that would just be easier not to acknowledge.

Perspective Through Climbing

Part 1

I’ve been extremely off the past two plus weeks wrestling with my self esteem. Confused as to why some things were moving in the direction they were and allowing them to feed my Id. Sitting still in the moments out of fear while watching and listening to changes in patterns and trying to come to terms with the aspects of my life that were being affected. Obvious physical performances compounded with the mental strain of striving to talk myself out of it and looking at the situation with limited possibilities had left me… immobile.

Yesterday seems to be the day that perspective was once again gained. I went to a local bouldering area with a friend and proceeded to just follow him, slowly shutting down the mind. At first my movements and breathing were abrupt, choppy, unnatural, and shaky. A reflection of my state of being. My mind focused so intently on not falling, not failing and not performing that I could not see past it all to the truth of self. Over gripping the rock trying to hold onto the idea of strength over fluidity of movement.
As we circuited and climbed more and more highballs my thought process began to shift. The mind began to slowly recognize the necessity to relinquish it’s logic of what would happen WHEN I fell. An imaginary reality that had not happened and would not as long as the mind just allowed the body to be in the moment. The fear of falling and not being strong enough or good enough subsided. The ground, the ever present finality of failure faded away and became blurred and frivolous. And then it finally happened. There was no epiphany, no specific moment of clarity that opened my eyes just a simple quiet that flowed effortlessly through me and onto the rock.
I didn’t step through a doorway into this space of understanding. I was suddenly and simply just there. Flowing along the rock. Short moments of preparation for a move, purposeful breathing, focusing only on the movements within my bubble of existence and allowing the body to just be and the mind to see.

There are moments…, moments in this life where I have fallen short and wrestled with demons in some way…and every once in a while it piles up and can be very confusing, concerning, and disappointing for those around me. In those moments I’ve often asked for patience in this ebb and flow. Sometimes people will remain and sometimes, understandably, it is too much to ask. But then there is that catalyst that thrusts me forward. A reminder of my true self.

So. All of that to say this. When your demons are clawing at you and dragging you into the abyss, shift your focus from the failure of falling. Breathe and allow space for what is right in front of you and within your reach and allow your spirit to flow freely.

All things come.

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Part 2
It’s Not The Hard Stuff. It’s The Good Stuff

When I think of climbing, this thing I Love. This thing I am passionate about. This thing that has given me the opportunity to experience growth and amazement. Wondrous moments. Pure elation and calm of spirit in the connection. The excitement of Adventure, of the unknown, and how it fills me with vigor.
I often write of the ease of these moments and the clarity that is gained. The simple quiet that flows through me onto the rock.  I don’t know if you view climbing the same as I do or if you will even agree, but when I think of climbing it is all of the above and more for me.  What I don’t often talk about is the actual effort. How hard parts or movements are.  I don’t often think about the amount of effort, the hard work. The amount of training physically, mentally, emotionally. The pain. The broken fingers, cuts, the things that tear. These are just the bits in between.

Astroboy. Mount Gretna. A beautiful offwidth. You have to be a certain kind of person to enjoy this. Different from the majority. You have to be willing to put forth trust of who you are into this crack in the rock. This thing you just want to be a part of, the Diabase.  The rock glows in the sun as I walk up to it. Beautiful imperfections. Sitting next to it in golden leaves that blanket the ground. Smiling because I am a part of this beauty around me. It welcomes me as I look closer, deeper. Where I need to go. To the meat of things. I like to be in the sun when I climb. It feeds me, and as I look inside this problem it is closed off from the sun. But this is where it begins. This is where I must go to understand…
So I place my hand with closed eyes so I can feel where I am. It feels so good. It feels so solid and I stand. High fist and another jam. The further I go the harder it gets. Trying to spit me out. It widens below me taking away my feet. I have to press my knees bleeding with high hand and fist stacks. More energy. More effort. Every movement further in is harder than the last and worth it. Then it changes suddenly. I’ve gone as far as I can doing what I know. All of me hurts, My muscles are tired. I grunt from the strain. The voice in the back of my head is saying, “take a break and come back when you can do it”. As hard as it is, this is where I want to be. So, it hurts and is hard and now I’m on my side looking at the ground. A single hand. I try not to get pushed out as I search for that foot, that answer to this part of the puzzle I don’t understand. I can see the sunshine now as I hang upside down…the pain…reaching blindly out and up. Making the transition into the sun out of this place in the rock where I had to give so much, to be a part of it. Blood on the rock from my hands and knees, torn tape and jeans. I’m beat up and exhausted as I collapse on the ground, balled up like a child because every part of me is screaming, trying to just breathe…and then I turn my head and see. As the leaves flutter in the wind and the suns rays split through the trees, it is so simple. This is why it is worth it to me. It is beautiful. It is powerful. It is simple in its complexity and I enjoy the parts of me that come out when I give everything. I’m cut up. I’m beat up. Everything hurts as I stand  with a smile, …closed eyes, …and place my hand so I can feel where I am.
This is the part of climbing…the hard part, that I try to explain to people when they ask why I’m bleeding. I shrug it off and laugh because it isn’t the important part for me. I think of this amazing thing that I get to experience. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t enjoy the pain or the hard parts, to put it simply. But I understand that to experience the wonder and joy of something so amazing, I-you-we all need to work through the hard stuff. Facing what’s in front of all of us and knowing with everything we are, that the tough bits pale in comparison to the joy of connection with this place. This rock.

So there you go. It isn’t the hard stuff. It’s the good stuff.

 

12-15 May 2010

12 May 2010
11/81 Natural Bridge, VA
Leaving Vesuvius this morning, I was full of energy and ready to tackle the ride ahead of me. My legs then remembered that peddling was hard. So after a quick break only 3 miles into my ride, I regained my cycling legs and carried on. Dan, an older gentleman from Charlotte, North Carolina, told me about a natural rock formation called Natural Bridge. It was about 7 miles out of my way but I decided to experience it. When I arrived at the welcome center for Natural Bridge, I came to find out that it was a tourist attraction that you needed to pay to see. Interesting. A natural beauty that God put here, and people charge money to let others experience it. Hmmmmm. Doesn’t seem right some how. I decided to skip it and move on. Maybe I would get a glimpse of it from the road as I passed it by. No such luck. Whomever owns the property put up a 9 foot high plank fence so it wasn’t visible from the road. I understand the business end of it completely but money is nothing folks. A necessity to get us through this life we have put ourselves in.
So anyway. I have been leapfrogging all day with a group of cyclist that met each other years ago through various means and circumstances. They road on ahead to Buchannon and I decided to rest here in Natural Bridge for the night.
I have seen some of the most beautiful country side and farm houses on the trip so far. Reyanna and Cliff, sorry for the spelling of your name Reyanna, who own a horse farm on route 11 just outside of Lexington. The Virginia Military Academy was a great welcome to Lexington as well. Riding through the center of town re-energized me. I am pretty content with todays’ ride, even if it was only 42 miles. Todays’ ride was a good soul ride. I hope there is such a thing because I would hate to be the only one who has experienced it. A phrase in a song sticks in my head and brings me to tears as I push through a thunderstorm in the foothills smiling and letting go of one more piece of pain.
“You, shimmy shook my bone
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
What do you think of me
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep
One more memory gets closer to fading away and not bringing me to my knees.”
Artist: Kings Of Leon, Title: Closer
Unfortunately, I fear tonight may be one of the worst nights sleep I get. I am camping behind an Exxon in a perfect spot. The only problem being, there is a lot of traffic and I do not trust people. I have experienced nothing but good will so far on this journey but the closer I am to the “modern/civilized” world the more guarded I am. Hopefully it will be an uneventful evening other than the ridiculous storm I am watching roll in. Thunder and lightning and a crap ton of rain, Oh My!

15 May 2010
Christiansburg, VA
Where do I begin with Christiansburg? How about the arduous task of even getting here. Since I owe you a couple of days we’ll rewind a bit. 2 days ago was the beginning of yesterdays butt kicking. Still with me? If not I’ll give you a couple of seconds to catch up. ……. Okay. So it was my bright idea not to set up my tent the other night and just sleep under the large overhang of a closed down cyclist friendly store, during the storm. Cold. Wet. Loud. Good thing that did come of it was that I now know that the emergency thermal blanket really works. So after my wonderfully fulfilling 3 hours of sleep, I began my day leap frogging with a group I met the day before. I then met up with the group from Adventure Cycling. They were pretty cool people. Lee was from Whales. Joe was from Pittsburgh. There were several other people from varying places like Oregon, Canada, Norway, New York, and so on. All of them making the ride to Astoria, Oregon. All of us different. All of us sweating and aching and smiling from ear to ear. We all have our own personal reasons for making this journey but the general answer that is given is very simple, “I just had to do it”.
So the rest of the day consisted of what I would call slightly more hill then rolling. It was hot and I was tired and drinking more water to compensate for my lack of energy. Pretty soon, no water. Pretty soon feeling crappy. So, I pulled over to the first house I saw and relieved their outside faucet of about two gallons or so of water and took a nice 20 minute break. Oh, and for some of you medical freaks out there, some of the water came with me, duh. Anyway, I was feeling a lot better and just in time for a little gas station where I met 3 more cyclist from the group. Ummm, some guy, Brin and Abby. Yeah, I know. I then ate a hoagie and a chili dog and commenced the hardest part of the day. I could not believe it was getting harder with only 4 miles to Christiansburg. The entire next 3 miles were exactly like the next symbol, ^. Oh, except it did this too, ~. I had to walk probably a total of ¼ mile of the sixty I rode that day. It would also have helped if first gear was working as well. Kinda hard to do that in 2-1.
So the girls said where they all were camping and told me to join them. They’ve been talking about where they ride back home and stories about their days. Fun times. So, needless to say, I was the last one to arrive in town and couldn’t figure out where this church was. After about 15 people and several nods and drive offs, I was able to flag down a Fire Rescue Marshal. Kinda helpful. Then I rode up to an officer in the Burger King drive through. Couldn’t talk him into a Whopper but did get some really helpful information that led me to where I am now. I didn’t want to make an extra fifteen mile round trip back into town for a couple of things to back track right back out. Turns out, Roxanne, the pastors wife here at New Hope Church of God in Christiansburg, VA, is super cool. First they let me set up under their picnic area. Then she left the door to the church van open just in case the storm turned really bad. Then she told me to go ahead and stay in the visiting pastors trailer. Well, I slept with my tent because I was exhausted from the past two days of riding 120 miles on 3 hours. Don’t do that. I then woke up this morning rode over to the very nice fully furnished trailer and took a nice hot shower and washed some riding clothes in the sink. Awesome, awesome, awesome! I decided to stay tonight because I really wanted to go to church tomorrow and what better place then here. My simple prayer, “Please lead me on the path you want me to take Lord, and thank You”.  Repeating the words “Thank You” over and over until a smile crosses my face and there is peace.

Just An Entry to Some

12 July 2010
Pittsburg, KS
I met up with Aden a day and a half ago. He is the “Irishman from England” and has been riding for two years all across Europe, Turkey, Iran, Asia, and now the U.S. I would like to catch up to him but I am just not sure what I am going to do today. Yesterday was a 70 mile day. My legs are wasted and my back is pretty sore. I’ve noticed that if I keep it to no more than right around 50 miles then I am able to get up easier the next day. The other important aspect of keeping my miles low is keeping calorie use as low as possible. That is almost an impossibility but 20 less miles equals a whole lot less calories burned.
I am having a very hard time writing lately. It’s as if I just don’t give a damn. That is my feeling about quite a few things on this trip. It started in Chester, IL I think. They were nice people but it seemed to be more of a business opportunity then wanting to just help cyclists. I really want to run into someone again that is just interrested in being a good person without an alterior motive. I foresee Kansas being a hungry state. There do not seem to be many streams and lakes to fish.
12,13 July 2010
So I guess I met a couple that are just good people. I didn’t have to wait long it seems. I was just getting ready to leave Lincoln Park in Pittsburg, KS when I met Ryan and Megan. We said our hellos and had a good conversation. Ryan invited me out to their place if I wanted to go swimming and chill out for a bit. I really wanted to ride to Girard and take a nap so I could go night riding later on but the closer I rode toward their turn off, the hotter it became. I decided what the hell and called Ryan to double check the directions. It was a nice ride on somewhat loose gravel roads out there and then around the strip pit to their home. They live in a little community that was established by one man back in the 1960’s. There are old mining pits from the 1800’s that have filled with water and turned into ponds. The houses are all on the shoreline and have docks. The Red Fox Strip Pits is where I spent the next day and a half hanging out with some of the coolest and nicest people so far. Ryan is a psychology major and wants to specialize in counceling. While we were fishing and swimming at the dock, he made a kansas road runner lure for me and gave me a few small supplies to make more. Megan was in the army and spent some time in Iraq. She is now in school and pursueing an art major. She makes some very cool, earthy jewelry. I gave her a few fossils that would be perfect that I found in Kentucky. Ryan and Megan had some friends over and we all went swimming. They prepared and amazing meal. Shrimp Alfredo with stuffed mushrooms, and an amazing tasting balsamic salad with tomatoes, peppers, onions, pretty much everything I don’t normally like. I scraped the bowl. So after stuffing ourselves and good conversation, we all went swimming again. I was introduced to the dumbass tree but wasn’t able to swing from it because some kids stole the handle bars. However!!! Tonight before I headed out they took me to the magic school bus. One of the things that inspired me to do this, take this leap, this long journey inward, was the movie “Into The Wild”. Hence the magic school bus. It was dusk but we still had enough light to take pictures and for me to climb in and out of the windows and onto the roof, sit in what was left of the seat where a table once stood and close my eyes and imagine this bus in its hayday. You guys are awesome people. I will see you later. I am not sure when but you’re just a phone call away.