I want to live where no one knows
Where I’m not “him” that guy people used to know
Where they only see the good of my soul
I want to feel home again before I go
There are times like these
When my spirit is shaken and on it’s knees
When I’m constantly reminded of who I used to be
Screaming in silence
I want to be free
Free of the memories
Free of the guilt
free of the sadness and tears spilt
Unspeakable, unthinkable, unbelievable for me
They all move on without me
But not this cat out on a limb
Too afraid to leap into life
There was no blinding light
There were no fires
There were no angels singing
or agonizing cries
No gates were opened
No gates were closed
Because there were no gates
No lines no rows
So what now that I know the truth? That everything I believed in is wrong, a happen chance existence.
And yet I happened by chance
Confusion fueled by loneliness
Confusion fueled by lingering hate
Hate fueled by sadness and the look in her eyes when I heard her say,
“I hate you! You are nothing! Just go away…
I tried to fight with nothing left inside
I tried to end what had no end in sight
I gave up on this life and rode away
Looking for my grand exit
My weakness confused for strength, .
Met with smiles by those who didn’t know why I was there
They heard stories from the road about me
Confused why a stranger would care
And why they see what they see
It’s just sad me
So I listened to their stories of me, from the perspective of other travelers. “He climbed the bluffs on the Mississippi and then caught bass for dinner”, “His back pack is as big as him and I couldn’t even pick it up”. The latter seemed to be the most mentioned and was usually followed by them asking if they could try and pick it up. I loved listening to their stories and reading their blogs. It was good for me to hear and experience the goodness of others, whom I had never met and knew nothing of the pain…the pain my heart was in.
There were a few amazing souls that looked into my eyes, past all of the fun stories of adventure and saw pain and a struggling soul. I cry as I write these memories down for you. I would love to tell you that a pain and sadness this deep, the one that takes you to your end, will never resurface again. However, it will. It is the nature of our souls. You will remember your happiest and your lowest moments.
But as tears fall from a past long gone, they are not just tears of sadness. There is thankfulness and understanding that it could be no other way. I told a good friend on my trip, “Don’t be sorry for me. If I had to go through what I did so you don’t have to, then it is worth it.” Because it is! Each of us has the ability not only to sense the need of another but more so to want to help them. Especially when we understand their strife.
Many stories were shared on my journey. Many tears. Many embraces and night long conversations. Sunrises that brought me to my knees, in awe how it’s beauty flowed through me and filled my soul. Sobbing because I was smiling! I could feel joy. My heart pounded in the morning air as I seemingly floated over the road yelling into the wind, “I AM ALIVE!”
The deepest pain. The fondest memory.
Don’t be sorry for me and don’t be sorry for yourself. It will take time to see it but you have a beauty and goodness in you that shines through and could save a traveler just like me. Because of others, I am alive and in turn, a few folks that will probably never meet those who helped me are alive as well.